So, I have actually been facing weight issues. During the MCO/PKP time I have gain weight from 68kg to 70kg in a blink of an eye! I was so pressured as people keep making fun of me including my relatives, siblings, and friends. 😭

Until I was at a point of losing hope and so down that I didn’t even want to take selfies or picture of myself anymore because I was ashamed of how I looked. I had to hide myself behind other person in pictures, had to get the “right” angle to not look so FAT and really reluctant to take picture with skinny people because to avoid people comparing me with them. Then, as if body shaming me is not enough, they even body shamed my mother too as she has been overweight ever since I was born. That would be 34 years to be exact. 😢

I cant imagine how my mother had to go through the mean things people said to her for 34 years. As for me, I wasn’t able to contain those hurtful, sad and angry 😤 feelings when people started to make joke or body shaming me for the last 2-4 years in comparison to my mother. It’s very emotionally abusive.

I even cried to sleep, cried in the shower, the feeling of hating to come out and see people is all there. THE STRUGGLE IS REAL! struggle to contain the hurtful and annoyed feeling when words like “eh Farah ke Mak Gai tu?” “Farah, ko dah gemok la…kene tukar angle…” “Omg Farah sedihnya….dulu Farah kurus je…” What crappy words are these?? Just because you succeed to loose weight and become fabulous doesn’t mean you can body slam other human beings. I didn’t even judge you when you started all your exercise routine, meal control routine and I even applaud 👏🏼 you for doing it, so why do you need to put me into a corner and not even supporting me as I showed my support to you?

I admit that I used to be one of those faulty mouths that simply comments regarding this matter too but at some point when it hit myself, its not like they didn’t try. I don’t know what they have gone through to change their lifestyle, to change their eating habits for the sake of keeping it up to the social stigma of pretty. For me, I cant count numerous times of slimming products I’ve tried, the ones that only have coffee mixed, the ones that have protein shakes, the ones that only by drinking juice we can achieve our weight goals. I did have an effort to TRY! YES I DID loose weight but it didn’t sustain. I still kept on gaining weight. I even went all out and bought a treadmill Cybertrek Gintell to be exact but still my running didn’t help.

I even prayed to Allah SWT during Ramadhan for me to loose weight at least let me loose till I’m back at 65kg. Without fail everyday in all those 5 Solat time and even after Tarawikh. I needed help. My mind was actually saying maybe 4th pregnancy will help me loose weight but as I was still on my epilepsy medication, it is not encouraged to be pregnant while consuming it. Hence, this is out of the question.😓

So you can see that it’s not like I didn’t try to loose weight. It’s not like I’m just happily indulging food non-stop till I’m are fat. I JUST DIDN’T BOTHER TO SHARE WITH YOU MY JOURNEY OF LOOSING WEIGHT!🙄 Just take it as need to know basis and if I do want to share…I’ll share!

My husband said why do I bother thinking about what others think? He is ok with how I am now and as long as I’m still healthy with no heart condition, diabetes, high blood pressure, kidney failures or cancer, he is fine. I responded that it’s not so much about what they think that bothers me but when they think it aloud and slammed it on my face without feeling guilty at all is what I hated.

SAKIT HATI. yes, this is the word that I’m trying my best not to feel. I don’t want to hate them after all they are my relatives and good friends. I just want to get off this feeling and stop my confidence from deteriorating.

So that is all for today….I will soon share more journey with you. TTYL!

💕,

Farah